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One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react, thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start, and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"
A Faithful Dog Will Play With You
And Laugh With You -Or Cry-
He'll Gladly Starve To Stay With You
Nor Ever Reason Why,
And When You're Feeling Out Of Sorts
Somehow He'll Understand
He'll Watch You With His Shining Eyes
And Try To Lick Your Hand.
His Blind, Implicit Faith In You
Is Matched By His Great Love -
The Kind That All Of Us Should Have
In The Master, Up Above.
When Everything Is Said And Done
I Guess This Isn't Odd
For When You Spell "Dog" Backwards
You Get The Name Of God.
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote:"I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?" An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."
The Official Dog Enthusiast's DON'T List
1. DON'T let your dog sleep in your bed. It will cause aggression problems down the road.
2. DON'T make your dog sleep in a crate. Crate is just another word for small cage.
3. DON'T let your dog sleep outside at night. If God had wanted dogs to sleep outside, he would have covered their body with hair to keep them warm.
4. DON'T let your dog sleep. You should be playing with him all the time.
5. DON'T keep more than two dogs. Each individual dog requires considerable time and energy, and it is impossible for a responsible dog owner to spend quality time with more than two dogs.
6. DON'T keep less than five dogs. Dogs are pack animals, and five dogs is the minimum number for proper socialization.
7. DON'T feed your dog kibble. Kibble is the invention of evil capitalists who want your money, and kibble has no nutritional value whatsoever. You might as well feed your dog sawdust.
8. DON'T cook your dog's meat or chicken. Cooking destroys all the nutrients.
9. DON'T feed your dog raw meat or raw chicken. Raw food contains salmonella, e-coli, and other harmful bacteria.
10. DON'T let your dog drink out of a plastic bowl. It will turn his nose pink.
11. DON'T post messages to a dog list. You will surely get bopped on the head for thinking that someone else cares about your silly little opinions.
12. DON'T poke your eye with a sharp stick. It has nothing to do with dogs, but it's a good rule nonetheless.
13. DON'T microchip your dog. A nearby cell phone can cause a microchipped dog to explode, or so says the lady running the tattoo booth.
14. DON'T tattoo your dog on the ear. A dog thief will cut off the tattooed ear.
15. DON'T tattoo your dog on the thigh. He'll be a tripod before you can say Ginsu.
16. DON'T keep a collar on your dog when unattended. He could get caught on something and choke.
17. DON'T leave your dog unattended without a collar. He could run away without any identification.
18. DON'T transport your dog in a plastic crate. Plastic crates don't allow sufficient air flow.
19. DON'T transport your dog in a wire crate. In a car accident, a wire crate transforms into a doggie skewer. On days you plan to have a car accident, it's acceptable to use a plastic crate.
20. DON'T let your dog drive. It's against the law in many states.
21. DON'T enter your dog in conformation. It's b-o-r-i-n-g for the dog.
22. DON'T enter your dog in obedience. It's B-o-r-i-n-g with a capital "B."
23. DON'T enter your dog in agility. The jumps will injure his joints.
24. DON'T send your dog out with a handler. Only a psychopath would send their beloved pet with a complete stranger.
25. DON'T handle your dog yourself. You've got a great dog, and he deserves a much better handler than you will ever be.
26. DON'T get a purebred dog. Too much inbreeding has produced dogs with temperament and health problems.
27. DON'T get a mutt. You don't know anything about their pedigree. In fact, if you're thinking about getting a dog, get a cat instead.
28. DON'T don't. That's right, you heard me, just don't!
29. DON'T leave your dog's dewclaws intact. He will rip one off jumping a log or something, which is quite painful.
30. DON'T remove your dog's dewclaws. Dewclaws are acupuncture points that are needed for proper functioning of the kidneys.
31. DON'T trim your dog's whiskers. Dogs use their whiskers to determine the size of their head, which is important when they are out shopping for a new hat.
A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother of pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"
"This is heaven, sir," the man answered.
"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.
"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree, reading a book.
"Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?"
"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there". The man pointed to a place thatcouldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in."
"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.
"There should be a bowl by the pump."
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them.
"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.
"This is heaven," was the answer.
"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was heaven, too."
"Oh, you mean the place with the gold streets and pearly gates? Nope! That's hell."
"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"
"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind".
Merry Christmas, My Friend
"I will never forget you," the old man said. A tear rolled down his leathery cheek. "I'm getting old. I can't take care of you anymore." With his head tilted to one side, Monsieur DuPree watched his master. "Woof woof! Woof woof!" He wagged his tail back and forth, wondering, What's he up to now? "I can't take care of myself anymore, let alone take care of you." The old man cleared his throat. He pulled a hankie from his pocket and blew his nose with a mighty blast. "Soon, I'll move to an old age home and, I'm sorry to say, you can't come along. They don't allow dogs there, you know." Bent over from age, the old man limped over to Monsieur DuPree and stroked his head. "Don't worry, my friend. We'll find a home. We'll find a nice new home for you." And, as an afterthought he added, "Why, with your good looks, we'll have no trouble at all. Anyone would be proud to own such a fine dog." Monsieur DuPree wagged his tail really hard and strutted up and down the kitchen floor. "Woof, woof, woof, woof." For a moment, the familiar musky scent of the old man mingling with the odor of greasy food gave the dog the feeling of well being. But then, a sense of dread took hold again. His tail hung between his legs and he stood very still. "Come here." With great difficulty, the old man knelt down on the floor and lovingly pulled Monsieur Dupree close to him. He tied a ribbon around his neck with a huge red bow, and then he attached a note to it. Monsieur DuPree wondered what it said. "It says," the old man read aloud, "Merry Christmas! My name is Monsieur DuPree. For breakfast, I like bacon and eggs -- even corn flakes will do. For dinner, I prefer mashed potatoes and some meat. That's all. I eat just two meals a day. In return, I will be your most loyal friend." "Woof woof! Woof woof!" Monsieur DuPree was confused and his eyes begged, What's going on? The old man blew his nose into his hankie once more. Then, hanging onto a chair, he pulled himself up from the floor. Buttoning his overcoat, he reached for the dog's leash and softly said, "Come here my friend." He opened the door against a gust of cold air and stepped outside, pulling the dog behind. Dusk was beginning to fall. Monsieur DuPree pulled back. He didn't want to go. "Don't make this any harder for me. I promise you, you'll be much better off with someone else." The street was deserted. It began to snow. Leaning into the wintry air, the old man and his dog pushed on. The pavement, trees, and houses were soon covered with a blanket of snow. After a very long time, they came upon an old Victorian house surrounded by tall trees, which were swaying and humming in the wind. The old man stopped. Monsieur DuPree stopped, too. Shivering in the cold, they appraised the house. Glimmering lights adorned every window, and the muffled sound of a Christmas song was carried on the wind. "This will be a nice home for you," the old man said, choking on his words. He bent down and unleashed his dog, then opened the gate slowly, so that it wouldn't creak. "Go on now. Go up the steps and scratch on the door." Monsieur DuPree looked from the house to his master and bck again to the house. He did not understand. "Woof woof! Woof woof!" "Go on." The old man gave the dog a shove. "I have no use for you anymore," he said in a gruff voice. "Get going now!" Monsieur DuPree was hurt. He thought his master didn't love him anymore. He didn't understand that, indeed, the old man loved him very much, yet he could no longer care for him. Slowly he straggled toward the house and up the steps. He scratched with one paw at the front door. "Woof woof! Woof woof!" Looking back, he saw his master step behind a tree just as someone from inside turned the front doorknob. A little boy appeared, framed in the door by the light coming from behind. When he saw Monsieur DuPree, he threw both arms into the air and shouted with delight, "Oh boy! Oh boy! Mom and Dad, come and see what Santa brought!" Through teary eyes, the old man watched from behind the tree. He saw the mother read the note, and tenderly pull the dog inside. Smiling, the old man wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his cold, damp coat as he disappeared into the night whispering, "Merry Christmas, my friend."
By Christa Holder Ocker
from Chicken Soup for the Kid's Soul Copyright 1998 by Jack Canfield, Mark
Victor Hansen, Patty Hansen and Irene Dunlap
"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about little puppies."- Gene Hill
"In dog years I'm dead" -- Unknown
"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear." - Dave Barry
"I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl." - Penny Ward Moser
"The dog's kennel is not the place to keep a sausage." - Danish Proverb
"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend, and inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." - Groucho Marx.
"The scientific name for an animal that doesn't either run from or fight its enemies is lunch." - Michael Friedman
"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs." - Aldous Huxley
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." - Robert Benchley
"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives." - Sue Murphy
"Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?" - Unknown
"I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers." - Unknown
"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves." - A. Strindberg
"No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation." - Fran Lebowitz
"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul- chicken, pork, half cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" - Anne Tyler
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." -- Rita Rudner
"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money." - J Weinstein
"Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant." - Unknown
"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." - James Thurber
"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets." - Nora Ephron
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." - Ann Landers
"Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." - Robert A. Heinlein
"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him." - Dereke
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." -Ben Williams
"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." - Edward Abbey
"Cat's Motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it." - Unknown
"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail.."- Unknown
"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does." - Christopher Morley
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." - Josh Billings
"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be." - Holbrook Jackson
"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." - Andy Rooney
"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion" - Unknown
"Heaven goes by favour. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in." - Mark Twain
"I care not for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not the better for it." - Abraham Lincoln
"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went." - Unknown
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man." - Mark Twain
"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane." - Smiley Blanton
"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts." -John Steinbeck
"My husband and I are either going to buy a dog
or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpets or ruin our
lives." - Rita Rudner
K-9 MIRANDA WARNING
1.You have the right to remain motionless, or you may elect to run away from me.
2. Should you decide to run, I shall direct my K-9 to chase you down to the ends of the earth.
3. You have a right to have your lawyer run with you. Should he refuse, a recent Law School Graduate will be appointed by the court to jog along with you.
4. If while running you suddenly decide to end the race, be aware that my K-9 may or may not understand your intentions and may continue his pursuit of you in full stride.
5. You may stop running at anytime at your own risk.
6. Good luck. On your mark, get set...GO!
GUARDIANS of the NIGHT
Trust in me my friend for I am your comrade. I will protect you with my last breath.
When all others have left you and the loneliness of the night closes in, I will be at your side.
Together we will conquer all obstacles and search out those who might wish harm to others.
All I ask of you is compassion, the caring touch of your hands.
It is for you that I will selflessly give my life and spend my nights unrested.
Although our days together may be marked by the passing of the seasons, know that each day at your side is my reward.
My days are measured by the coming and going of your footsteps. I anticipate them at the opening of the door.
You are the voice of caring when I am ill. The voice of authority over me when I've done wrong.
Do not chastise me unduly for I am your right arm, the sword at your side.
I attempt to do only what you bid of me. I seek only to please you and remain in your favor.
Together you and I shall experience a bond only others like you will understand.
When outsiders see us together their envy will be measured by their disdain.
I will quietly listen to you and pass no judgement. Nor will your spoken words be repeated.
I will remain ever silent, ever vigilant, ever loyal.
And when our time together is done and you move on in the world, remember me with kind thoughts and tales.
For a time we were unbeatable, nothing passed among us undetected.
If we should ever meet again on another field I will gladly take up your fight.
I am a Police Working Dog and together we are GUARDIANS
of the NIGHT.
BIRTHDAY POEM FROM THE DOG
You feed me when I'm hungry,
You keep water in my dish,
You let me sleep on anything,
or in any place I wish.
You sometimes let me lick your hands,
or even lick your face,
Despite the fact I've licked MYSELF
In every private place.
You taught me how to come when called,
You taught me how to sit,
You always let me go outside,
So I can take a #### stroll.
Ive been with you through oh, so much,
Through laughter and through tears,
I hope you live to be a hundred....
(That's 700 in doggy years).
THE CREATION OF MAN'S BEST FRIEND
God summoned a beast from the field, and He said, "Behold man is created in My image. Therefore, adore him. You shall protect him in the wilderness, shepherd his flocks, watch over his children, accompany him wherever he may go--even into civilization. You shall be his companion, his ally, and his slave. To do these things, I endow you with the instincts uncommon to other beasts: Faithfulness, Devotion, and Understanding, surpassing those of man himself. Lest it impair your courage, you shall never foresee your death. Lest it impair your loyalty, you shall be blind to the faults of man. Lest it impair your understanding, you are denied the power of words. Speak to your master only through your mind and your honest eyes. Walk by his side; sleep in his doorway; ward off his enemies; carry his burden; share his afflictions; love and comfort him. And in return for this, man will fulfill your needs and wants--which shall be only food, shelter, and affection. So be silent and be a friend af man. Guide him through the perils along the way to this land I have promised him. This shall be your destiny and your immortality."
The dog heard and was content.
When God made Peace Officers...
When the Lord was creating peace officers, he was into his sixth day of overtime when an angel appeared and said, "You're doing a lot of fiddling around on this one."
And the Lord said, "Have you read the spec on this order? A peace officer has to be able to run five miles through alleys in the dark, scale walls, enter homes the health inspector wouldn't touch, and not wrinkle his uniform. He has to be able to sit in an undercover car all day on a stakeout, cover a homicide scene that night, canvass the neighborhood for witnesses, and testify in court the next day. He has to be in top physical condition at all times, running on black coffee and half-eaten meals. And he has to have six pairs of hands."
The angel shook her head slowly and said, "Six pairs of hands... no way."
"It's not the hands that are causing me problems," said the Lord, "it's the three pairs of eyes an officer has to have."
"That's on the standard model?" asked the angel.
The Lord nodded. One pair that sees through a bulge in a pocket before he asks, "May I see what's in there, sir?" (When he already knows and wishes he'd taken that accounting job.) "Another pair here in the side of his head for his partners' safety. And another pair of eyes here in front that can look reassuringly at a bleeding victim and say, 'You'll be all right ma'am, when he knows it isn't so."
"Lord," said the angel, touching his sleeve, "rest and work on this tomorrow."
"I can't," said the Lord, "I already have a model that can talk a 250 pound drunk into a patrol car without incident and feed a family of five on a civil service paycheck."
The angel circled the model of the peace officer very slowly, "Can it think?" she asked.
"You bet," said the Lord. "It can tell you the elements of a hundred crimes; recite Miranda warnings in its sleep; detain, investigate, search, and arrest a gang member on the street in less time than it takes five learned judges to debate the legality of the stop... and still it keeps its sense of humor. This officer also has phenomenal personal control. He can deal with crime scenes painted in hell, coax a confession from a child abuser, comfort a murder victim's family, and then read in the daily paper how law enforcement isn't sensitive to the rights of criminal suspects."
Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek of the peace officer. "There's a leak," she pronounced. "I told you that you were trying to put too much into this model."
"That's not a leak," said the lord, "it's a tear."
"What's the tear for?" asked the angel.
"It's for bottled-up emotions, for fallen comrades, for commitment to that funny piece of cloth called the American flag, for justice."
"You're a genius," said the angel.
The Lord looked somber. "I didn't put it there," he said.
God & Dog
On the first day of creation, God created the dog.
On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.
THE FINAL INSPECTION
The policeman stood and faced his God, which must always come to pass.
He hoped his shoes were shining as brightly as his brass.
"Step forward now, officer. How shall I deal with you?
Have you always turned the other cheek? To my Church have you been true?"
The officer squared his shoulders and said, "No, Lord, I guess I ain't.
'Cause those of us who carry badges can't always be a saint.
But I never took a penny that wasn't mine to keep ...
Though I worked a lot of overtime when the bills just got too steep.
And I never passed a cry for help, though at times I shook with fear.
And sometimes, God forgive me, I wept unmanly tears.
I know I don't deserve a place among the people here.
They never wanted me around except to calm their fear.
If you've a place for me here, Lord, it needn't be so grand.
I've never expected or had too much. But if you don't, I'll understand."
There was silence all around the throne where the saints had often trod.
As the officer waited quietly for the answer of his God.
"Step forward now, Officer, you've borne your burdens well.
Come ride a beat on Heaven's streets. You've done your time in Hell."
You Know You Own A BIG Dog When ...
the sound of running water makes you jump up and yell, "OUTSIDE!"
you tell your dog to sit, and he backs up until he finds a chair
it takes 3 people to get your dog on the scale at the vets
you walk your dog and everyone knows him by name, but you have no idea who these people are
you can carry on a conversation with a dog's muzzle firmly in your crotch
you own a dog capable of pulling someone from a porta potty
your dog can hide an entire tennis ball (among other things) fully inside his lips and give you that innocent look that says, "What? I'm not eating anything!"
you carry a tape measure with you when shopping for a new vehicle
you keep at least one color-coded "drool towel" in every room of your house
after banishing your husband, the snoring in your bedroom still keeps you awake
you are hiking with a friend who later suggests that you ought to have an environmental impact statement done on your dog
visitors enter the house holding their privates protectively
you toss your dog a ball and cringe when he almost hits his head on the top of the doorway
you take your dog for a ride and he rests his head on your arm, causing you to make random right turns
you have given up on water dishes and you just use the bathtub
your two dogs decide to play in the house, and they end up pulling the ceiling fan down -- for the second time
you have to move over when brushing your teeth because your dog wants a drink
you show a picture of your dogs and kids together, and the first person you point out is your dog
while stopped at a stop light, everyone stares as your car rocks back and forth because the dog is panting out the window
you go to vacuum your car and most of the fur is up there on the ceiling
you've learned to force a smile when asked "do you have a saddle for that thing?"
the monthly dog budget exceeds your home mortgage payment
your veterinarian has been able to put in a swimming pool, build a large home, buy jet skis and a personal plan
you have had to train your dog not to lick dishes, and the dishes are in the sink
the donuts you put on top of the refrigerator are gone when you get home and your dog has powdered sugar on his nose
your dog can see what you're cooking, and he tries to assist you in the preparation
you're holding him straddled between your legs when the doorbell rings, and you find yourself quickly transported straight to the front door
the pizza delivery people tell you to meet them at the end of the sidewalk
your dog stands in your lap and reaches over you to stick his head in the drive-through window at McDonald's and nearly gives the cashier a heart attack when she turns around to give you your change
you purchase a large screen TV and you still can't see the program when he stands in front of the television
after surgery, your bored pup decides to get
up and cruise around the vet's office-- pulling the rolling IV stand behind
THINGS WE CAN LEARN FROM A DOG...
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps and stretch before rising.
Run, romp and play daily.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout...run right back and make friends.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
RULES FOR DOGS:
NEWSPAPERS: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose.
VISITORS: Quickly determine which quest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick it's face and growl gently to show your concern.
BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark...
LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.
HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think its gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive to do your part to help correct this problem.
DOORS: The area directly infront of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.
SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed, "EVERYWHERE". It is your duty as the family dog to accommodate them.
DINING: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are quests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good to practice your sniffing.
HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.
WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.
COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.
PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.
CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never quite catch them. It spoils the fun.
CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry.
...Eat a shoe.
The Baltimore Police Department, famous for it's superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken aback by a recent incident. Returning home from work, a woman had been shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 officer patrolling nearby was first on the scene. As he approached the house with his dog on a leash, the woman ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, "I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a blind policeman!"
During break time at obedience school, two dogs were talking. One said to the other "The thing I hate about obedience school is you learn ALL this stuff you'll never use in the real world..."
LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.
DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL: what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.
GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home
SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
LEAN: Every good dogs's response to the command "sit !", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.
BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require.....especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above.
LOVE: A feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return
WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN.
Dogs don't cry.
Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
Dogs think you sing great.
A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late, and the later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
Dogs don't care if you play with other dogs.
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
Dogs are excited by rough play.
Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
Dogs love red meat.
Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair. Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
Dogs don't shop.
Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
A dog's parents never visit.
Dogs love long car trips.
Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
Dogs know that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.
When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it.
Dogs don't hate their bodies.
No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album.
No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.
Dogs never criticize.
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
Dogs never expect gifts.
It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
Dogs don't worry about germs.
Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.
Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer.
Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than lobster.
You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.
Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.
Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
Dogs never want foot-rubs.
Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
Dogs can't talk.
Dogs aren't catty.
HOW DOGS AND WOMEN ARE ALIKE
Both look stupid in hats.
Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.
Both tend to have "hip" problems.
Neither understand football.
Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say.
Neither believe that silence is golden.
Both constantly want back rubs.
Neither can balance a checkbook.
You can never tell what either of them is thinking.
Both put too much value on kissing.
HOW WOMEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS
Women look good in sweaters.
It is socially acceptable to have sexual relations with a woman.
A local business was looking for office help.
They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must
be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are
an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterwards, a dog trotted
up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist
and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager
looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked
determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on
the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you.
The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to
the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the
page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back
on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says
you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went
to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program,
that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally
dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very
intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't
give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and
put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said "yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"
MULTIPLE DOG DISORDER (MDD)
1 . . . That MDD is like ADD/ADHD . . . Where treatment actually consists of long term stimulants to conteract the hyperactivity. Therefore the treatment to symptomatically treat MDD is to get another dog . . . and then another . . . and another . . . and so on.
2 . . . That MDD does not really exist and that those supposed sufferers are actually the NORMAL ones . . . the rest of the world suffering from the Polynesian ailment LACKADOGGIE. Lackadoggie is curable . . . MDD (If it is truely an ailment) is only treatable.
Symptoms which must be present:
1) Poor self-control, usually unable to resist "just one more."
2) 100% occupany of kennel space at all times.
3) Dog food expenses at least 4 times the grocery bill.
At least 4 of the following symptoms present (8 or more indicate a chronic condition):
1) Minimum of 2 crates and 1 grooming table in the house.
2) Dog grooming equipment in 4 large storage crates, personal grooming supplies in 1 overnight bag.
3) Clean kennels daily, clean house once a month.
4) Doing dishes means washing more than a dozen dog bowls.
5) Have a king-sized bed, but sleep clinging to the side to allow dogs enough room.
6) Yard securly fenced, landscaping is outside of fence.
7) Attend Company BBQ to collect a large quanity of rib bones.
8) Isolated rural location.
9) Others ask "how many dogs do you have . . . now"?
10) Pooper Scooper Wrist (similar to Tennis Elbow).
11) Dry cleaner always finds plastic baggies or liver treats in pockets.
12) Used to show pictures of children, now whip out
dog pictures without provocation.
IS THE DOG DEAD?
A woman took her dog to the vet ; "Doctor,"
she said, "I think my dog is dead". The doctor laid the dog
on the table and reached down and took a cat out of a box. The cat
walked all over the dog and the dog didn't move. "Yes, your dog is dead,"
says the doctor. "How much do I owe you?"
the lady asks. "$345," says the doctor.
"$345!!?" the lady asks.
"Yes. $45 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."
TOP TEN SIGNS THE POLICE CHIEF DOESN'T LIKE YOU:
1) He refers to you as "our mascot".
2) Instead of a gun, you were issued a water pistol.
3) Your locker is also the broom closet.
4) The job description in your contract includes "crash test dummy" and "pepper-spray test subject."
5) He sends you on drug raids - alone.
6) He always tells you that only wussies call for back-up.
7) He makes up "missing persons" and then sends you to look for them.
8) You always get the patrol car with the flat tire, no gas, a dead battery, and a broken air conditioner.
9) He lied to you about an "officer exchange program" and put you on a plane to Siberia.
10) He doesn't like to be seen with you in public.
Called to Give My All
I am a deputy in a canine crew. I've been trained to see it through. When danger's near my ears perk up, they taught me that as a little pup. I'm often there to protect your rights, my presence sometimes hinders fights. I never attack with thought to kill, when subduing one, my job I fill. I never worry a single thought, as to how I'll fare at a certain spot. The love I have for a handler's care, is all I need, each day to fare. And if some day my luck turns bad, I'll relish all the joys I've had. To be with men who stand for good, in a special kind of brotherhood. The story's end by now you know, of how I tried for a better show. I did my best, though I did fall, when I was called and gave my all. Author unknown
The Top 20 Reasons K-9's Don't Use Computers
20. Can't stick their heads out of Windows 95
19. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to the side.
17. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
16. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail"
15. Fire Hydrant icon simply too damn frustrating.
14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing "www.pethouse.com" instead of working.
13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG Frisbee.
12. Not all are fooled by the Chuckwagon screen saver.
11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail wagging.
10. Oh...but they WILL..with the introduction of Microsoft Opposable Thumb>
9. Three words......Carpal Paw Syndrome.
8. Because Dogs are not GEEKS! Now cats on the other hand.......
7. Barking in next cube keeps activating your voice recognition software.
6. SmellU-Smellme still in beta test.
5. SIT and STAY were hard enough. GREP and AWK are out of the question.
4. Saliva coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuver.
3. Get annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.
And the number one reason K-9's don't use computers...................
1. Heubn tfh lpoo9k nefk snbnb37nfc wrkkljkewruy mklasjd83jhjjncz8........(Too damn hard to type with paws)
A dog sits waiting in the hot midday sun, too faithful to leave, too frightened to run.
He's been there for days now with nothing to do, but sit by the road just waiting for you.
He can't understand why you left him that day, he thought you were stopping to take him to play.
He's sure you'll come back and that's why he stays, how long can he suffer? How many more days?
His legs have grown weak, His throat's parched and dry. He's sick now from hunger, He falls with a sigh.
He lays down his head and closes his eyes I wish you could see how a waiting dog dies.
By Kathie Ford, as published in NAPWDA 12-96
TOP TEN WAYS LIFE WOULD BE DIFFERENT IF DOGS RAN THE WORLD
MAXIM FOR LIFE
Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
Memorize your favorite poem.
Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
When you say, "I love you", mean it.
When you say, "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye.
Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
Believe in love at first sight.
Never laugh at anyone's dreams.
Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
Don't judge people by their relatives.
Talk slow but think quick.
When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?".
Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
Call your dad.
Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
Remember the three R's: Respect for self, Respect for others, Responsibility for all your actions.
Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
Marry a man you love to talk to. As you get older, his conversational skills will be as important as any other.
Spend some time alone.
Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Read more books and watch less TV.
Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll get to enjoy it a second time.
Trust in God but lock your car.
A loving atmosphere in your home is so important. Do all you can to create a tranquil harmonious home.
In disagreements with loved ones, deal with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
Read between the lines.
Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
Be gentle with the earth.
Never interrupt when you are being flattered.
Mind your own business.
Don't trust a man who doesn't close his eyes when you kiss him.
Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you are living. That is wealth's greatest satisfaction.
Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of luck.
Learn the rules then break some.
Remember that the best relationship is one where your love for each other is greater than your need for each other.
Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
Remember that your character is your destiny.